The Gifts of Imperfection by Brene Brown
After studying tough topics like shame for a decade, I truly
believed that I deserved confirmation that I was “living right.” But here’s the
tough lesson that I learned that day (and every day since): How much we know
and understand ourselves is critically important, but there is something that
is even more essential to living a Wholehearted life: loving ourselves.
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People may call what happens at midlife “a crisis,” but it’s
not. It’s an unraveling—a time when you feel a desperate pull to live the life
you want to live, not the one you’re “supposed” to live. The unraveling is a
time when you are challenged by the universe to let go of who you think you are
supposed to be and to embrace who you are.
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DIG Deep. They just do it in a different way. When they’re
exhausted and overwhelmed, they get Deliberate in their thoughts and behaviors
through prayer, meditation, or simply setting their intentions; Inspired to
make new and different choices; Going. They take action.
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I tried the new DIG Deep—get deliberate, inspired, and
going. I told myself, “If you need to refuel and losing yourself online is fun
and relaxing, then do it. If not, do something deliberately relaxing. Find
something inspiring to do rather than something soul-sucking. Then, last but
not least, get up and do it!” I closed my laptop, said a little prayer to
remind myself to be self-compassionate, and watched a movie that had been
sitting in a Netflix envelope on my desk for over a month. It was exactly what I
needed.
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Courage sounds great, but we need to talk about how it
requires us to let go of what other people think, and for most of us, that’s
scary. Compassion is something we all want, but are we willing to look at why
boundary-setting and saying no is a critical component of compassion? Are we
willing to say no, even if we’re disappointing someone? Belonging is an
essential component of Wholehearted living, but first we have to cultivate
self-acceptance—why is this such a struggle?
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Practicing courage, compassion, and connection in our daily
lives is how we cultivate worthiness. The key word is practice. Mary Daly, a
theologian, writes, “Courage is like—it’s a habitus, a habit, a virtue: You get
it by courageous acts. It’s like you learn to swim by swimming. You learn
courage by couraging.”
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Heroics is often about putting our life on the line.
Ordinary courage is about putting our vulnerability on the line. In today’s
world, that’s pretty extraordinary.1
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During the interviews, it blew my mind when I realized that
many of the truly committed compassion practitioners were also the most
boundary-conscious people in the study. Compassionate people are boundaried
people. I was stunned.
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When we fail to set boundaries and hold people accountable,
we feel used and mistreated.
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It’s hard for us to understand that we can be compassionate
and accepting while we hold people accountable for their behaviors. We can,
and, in fact, it’s the best way to do it. We can confront someone about their
behavior, or fire someone, or fail a student, or discipline a child without
berating them or putting them down. The key is to separate people from their
behaviors—to address what they’re doing, not who they are (I’ll talk more about
this in the next chapter). It’s also important that we can lean into the
discomfort that comes with straddling compassion and boundaries.
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I define connection as the energy that exists between people
when they feel seen, heard, and valued; when they can give and receive without
judgment; and when they derive sustenance and strength from the relationship.
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Until we can receive with an open heart, we are never really
giving with an open heart. When we attach judgment to receiving help, we
knowingly or unknowingly attach judgment to giving help. For years, I placed
value on being the helper in my family. I could help with a crisis or lend
money or dispense advice. I was always happy to help others, but I would have never
called my siblings to ask them for help, especially for support during a shame
storm. At the time, I would have vehemently denied attaching judgment to my
generous giving. But now, I understand how I derived self-worth from never
needing help and always offering it.
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Love and belonging are essential to the human experience. As
I conducted my interviews, I realized that only one thing separated the men and
women who felt a deep sense of love and belonging from the people who seem to
be struggling for it. That one thing is the belief in their worthiness. It’s as
simple and complicated as this: If we want to fully experience love and
belonging, we must believe that we are worthy of love and belonging.
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When we can let go of what other people think and own our
story, we gain access to our worthiness—the feeling that we are enough just as
we are and that we are worthy of love and belonging. When we spend a lifetime
trying to distance ourselves from the parts of our lives that don’t fit with
who we think we’re supposed to be, we stand outside of our story and hustle for
our worthiness by constantly performing, perfecting, pleasing, and proving. Our
sense of worthiness—that critically important piece that gives us access to
love and belonging—lives inside of our story.
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The greatest challenge for most of us is believing that we
are worthy now, right this minute. Worthiness doesn’t have prerequisites. So
many of us have knowingly created/unknowingly allowed/been handed down a long
list of worthiness prerequisites: I’ll be worthy when I lose twenty pounds.
I’ll be worthy if I can get pregnant. I’ll be worthy if I get/stay sober. I’ll
be worthy if everyone thinks I’m a good parent. I’ll be worthy when I can make
a living selling my art. I’ll be worthy if I can hold my marriage together.
I’ll be worthy when I make partner. I’ll be worthy when my parents finally
approve. I’ll be worthy if he calls back and asks me out. I’ll be worthy when I
can do it all and look like I’m not even trying.
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Most of us use the terms fitting in and belonging
interchangeably, and like many of you, I’m really good at fitting in. We know
exactly how to hustle for approval and acceptance. We know what to wear, what
to talk about, how to make people happy, what not to mention—we know how to
chameleon our way through the day.
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Fitting in is about assessing a situation and becoming who
you need to be to be accepted. Belonging, on the other hand, doesn’t require us
to change who we are; it requires us to be who we are.
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A deep sense of love and belonging is an irreducible need of
all women, men, and children. We are biologically, cognitively, physically, and
spiritually wired to love, to be loved, and to belong.
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It’s also pushed me to think about the important differences
between professing love and practicing love. During a recent radio interview
about the rash of celebrity infidelities, the host asked me, “Can you love
someone and cheat on them or treat them poorly?” I thought about it for a long
time, then gave the best answer I could based on my work: “I don’t know if you
can love someone and betray them or be cruel to them, but I do know that when
you betray someone or behave in an unkind way toward them, you are not
practicing love. And, for me, I don’t just want someone who says they love me;
I want someone who practices that love for me every day.”
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If we want to live and love with our whole hearts, and if we
want to engage with the world from a place of worthiness, we have to talk about
the things that get in the way—especially shame, fear, and vulnerability. In
Jungian circles, shame is often referred to as the swampland of the soul. I’m
not suggesting that we wade out into the swamp and set up camp. I’ve done that
and I can tell you that the swampland of the soul is an important place to
visit, but you would not want to live there. What I’m proposing is that we
learn how to wade through it. We need to see that standing on the shore and
catastrophisizing about what could happen if we talked honestly about our fears
is actually more painful than grabbing the hand of a trusted companion and
crossing the swamp. And, most important, we need to learn why constantly trying
to maintain our footing on the shifting shore as we gaze across to the other
side of the swamp—where our worthiness waits for us—is much harder work than
trudging across.
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Shame is the intensely painful feeling or experience of
believing that we are flawed and therefore unworthy of love and belonging.1
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The stories of our struggles are difficult for everyone to
own, and if we’ve worked hard to make sure everything looks “just right” on the
outside, the stakes are high when it comes to truth-telling. This is why shame
loves perfectionists—it’s so easy to keep us quiet.
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After a decade of research, I found that men and women with
high levels of shame resilience share these four elements: They understand
shame and recognize what messages and expectations trigger shame for them. They
practice critical awareness by reality-checking the messages and expectations
that tell us that being imperfect means being inadequate. They reach out and
share their stories with people they trust. They speak shame—they use the word
shame, they talk about how they’re feeling, and they ask for what they need.
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What’s the difference between shame and guilt? The majority
of shame researchers and clinicians agree that the difference between shame and
guilt is best understood as the differences between “I am bad” and “I did
something bad.”
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Children who use more shame self-talk (I am bad) versus
guilt self-talk (I did something bad) struggle mightily with issues of
self-worth and self-loathing. Using shame to parent teaches children that they
are not inherently worthy of love.
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According to Dr. Hartling, in order to deal with shame, some
of us move away by withdrawing, hiding, silencing ourselves, and keeping
secrets. Some of us move toward by seeking to appease and please. And, some of
us move against by trying to gain power over others, by being aggressive, and
by using shame to fight shame (like sending really mean e-mails).
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Yet all of these strategies move us away from our story.
Shame is about fear, blame, and disconnection. Story is about worthiness and
embracing the imperfections that bring us courage, compassion, and connection.
If we want to live fully, without the constant fear of not being enough, we
have to own our story.
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If you want to kick-start your shame resilience and
story-claiming, start with these questions. Figuring out the answers can change
your life: Who do you become when you’re backed into that shame corner? How do
you protect yourself? Who do you call to work through the mean-nasties or the
cry-n-hides or the people-pleasing? What’s the most courageous thing you could
do for yourself when you feel small and hurt?
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Authenticity is the daily practice of letting go of who we
think we’re supposed to be and embracing who we are. Choosing authenticity
means cultivating the courage to be imperfect, to set boundaries, and to allow
ourselves to be vulnerable; exercising the compassion that comes from knowing
that we are all made of strength and struggle; and nurturing the connection and
sense of belonging that can only happen when we believe that we are enough.
Authenticity demands Wholehearted living and loving—even when it’s hard, even
when we’re wrestling with the shame and fear of not being good enough, and
especially when the joy is so intense that we’re afraid to let ourselves feel
it. Mindfully practicing authenticity during our most soul-searching struggles
is how we invite grace, joy, and gratitude into our lives.
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E. E. Cummings wrote, “To be nobody-but-yourself in a world
which is doing its best, night and day, to make you everybody but
yourself—means to fight the hardest battle which any human being can fight—and
never stop fighting.”
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The thing that is really hard, and really amazing, is giving
up on being perfect and beginning the work of becoming yourself. — ANNA
QUINDLEN1
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Perfectionism is not self-improvement. Perfectionism is, at
its core, about trying to earn approval and acceptance. Most perfectionists
were raised being praised for achievement and performance (grades, manners,
rule-following, people-pleasing, appearance, sports). Somewhere along the way,
we adopt this dangerous and debilitating belief system: I am what I accomplish
and how well I accomplish it. Please. Perform. Perfect. Healthy striving is
self-focused—How can I improve? Perfectionism is other-focused—What will they
think?
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Perfectionism is a self-destructive and addictive belief
system that fuels this primary thought: If I look perfect, live perfectly, and
do everything perfectly, I can avoid or minimize the painful feelings of shame,
judgment, and blame. Perfectionism is self-destructive simply because there is
no such thing as perfect. Perfection is an unattainable goal. Additionally,
perfectionism is more about perception—we want to be perceived as perfect.
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Mindfulness: Taking a balanced approach to negative emotions
so that feelings are neither suppressed nor exaggerated. We cannot ignore our
pain and feel compassion for it at the same time. Mindfulness requires that we
not “over-identify” with thoughts and feelings, so that we are caught up and
swept away by negativity.
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If you look at the current research, here are five of the
most common factors of resilient people: They are resourceful and have good
problem-solving skills. They are more likely to seek help. They hold the belief
that they can do something that will help them to manage their feelings and to
cope. They have social support available to them. They are connected with
others, such as family or friends.2
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Based on the interviews, here’s how I define spirituality:
Spirituality is recognizing and celebrating that we are all inextricably
connected to each other by a power greater than all of us, and that our
connection to that power and to one another is grounded in love and compassion.
Practicing spirituality brings a sense of perspective, meaning, and purpose to
our lives.
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Over the past two years I’ve become increasingly concerned
that we’re raising children who have little tolerance for disappointment and
have a strong sense of entitlement, which is very different than agency.
Entitlement is “I deserve this just because I want it” and agency is “I know I
can do this.” The combination of fear of disappointment, entitlement, and
performance pressure is a recipe for hopelessness and self-doubt.
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For me, it wasn’t just the dance halls, cold beer, and
Marlboro Lights of my youth that got out of hand—it was banana bread, chips and
queso, e-mail, work, staying busy, incessant worrying, planning, perfectionism,
and anything else that could dull those agonizing and anxiety-fueled feelings
of vulnerability.
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I’ve spent most of my life trying to outrun vulnerability
and uncertainty. I wasn’t raised with the skills and emotional practice needed
to “lean into discomfort,” so over time I basically became a
take-the-edge-off-aholic.
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Again, after years of research, I’m convinced that we all
numb and take the edge off. The question is, does our _______________ (eating,
drinking, spending, gambling, saving the world, incessant gossiping,
perfectionism, sixty-hour workweek) get in the way of our authenticity? Does it
stop us from being emotionally honest and setting boundaries and feeling like
we’re enough? Does it keep us from staying out of judgment and from feeling
connected? Are we using _____________ to hide or escape from the reality of our
lives?
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It’s called the vowel check: AEIOUY. A = Have I been
Abstinent today? (However you define that—I find it a little more challenging
when it comes to things like food, work, and the computer.) E = Have I
Exercised today? I = What have I done for myself today? O = What have I done
for Others today? U = Am I holding on to Unexpressed emotions today? Y = Yeah!
What is something good that’s happened today?
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People were quick to point out the differences between
happiness and joy as the difference between a human emotion that’s connected to
circumstances and a spiritual way of engaging with the world that’s connected
to practicing gratitude.
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So, what does a gratitude practice look like? The folks I
interviewed talked about keeping gratitude journals, doing daily gratitude meditations
or prayers, creating gratitude art, and even stopping during their stressful,
busy days to actually say these words out loud: “I am grateful for …”
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My friend Lynne Twist has written an incredible book called
The Soul of Money.
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My friend Lynne Twist has written an incredible book called
The Soul of Money. In this book, Lynne addresses the myth of scarcity. She
writes, For me, and for many of us, our first waking thought of the day is “I
didn’t get enough sleep.” The next one is “I don’t have enough time.” Whether
true or not, that thought of not enough occurs to us automatically before we
even think to question or examine it. We spend most of the hours and the days
of our lives hearing, explaining, complaining, or worrying about what we don’t
have enough of … We don’t have enough exercise. We don’t have enough work. We
don’t have enough profits. We don’t have enough power. We don’t have enough
wilderness. We don’t have enough weekends. Of course, we don’t have enough money—ever.
We’re not thin enough, we’re not smart enough, we’re not pretty enough or fit
enough or educated or successful enough, or rich enough—ever. Before we even
sit up in bed, before our feet touch the floor, we’re already inadequate,
already behind, already losing, already lacking something. And by the time we
go to bed at night, our minds race with a litany of what we didn’t get, or
didn’t get done, that day. We go to sleep burdened by those thoughts and wake
up to the reverie of lack … What begins as a simple expression of the hurried
life, or even the challenged life, grows into the great justification for an
unfulfilled life.
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Lynne says that addressing scarcity doesn’t mean searching
for abundance but rather choosing a mind-set of sufficiency: We each have the
choice in any setting to step back and let go of the mindset of scarcity. Once
we let go of scarcity, we discover the surprising truth of sufficiency. By
sufficiency, I don’t mean a quantity of anything. Sufficiency isn’t two steps up
from poverty or one step short of abundance. It isn’t a measure of barely
enough or more than enough. Sufficiency isn’t an amount at all. It is an
experience, a context we generate, a declaration, a knowing that there is
enough, and that we are enough. Sufficiency resides inside of each of us, and
we can call it forward. It is a consciousness, an attention, an intentional
choosing of the way we think about our circumstances.
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Here’s how I define faith based on the research interviews:
Faith is a place of mystery, where we find the courage to believe in what we
cannot see and the strength to let go of our fear of uncertainty.
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“Comparison is the
thief of happiness.”
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I remember telling one of my colleagues, “These Wholehearted
people fool around a lot.” She laughed and asked, “Fool around? How?” I
shrugged, “I don’t know. They have fun and … I don’t know what you call it.
They hang out and do fun things.” She looked confused. “Like what kind of fun
things? Hobbies? Crafts? Sports?” “Yes,” I replied. “Kinda like that but not so
organized. I’m going to have to dig around some more.”
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It’s play! A critically important component of Wholehearted
living is play!
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In today’s culture—where our self-worth is tied to our net
worth, and we base our worthiness on our level of productivity—spending time
doing purposeless activities is rare. In fact, for many of us it sounds like an
anxiety attack waiting to happen.
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If we want to live a Wholehearted life, we have to become
intentional about cultivating sleep and play, and about letting go of
exhaustion as a status symbol and productivity as self-worth.
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One of the best things that we’ve ever done in our family is
making the “ingredients for joy and meaning” list. I encourage you to sit down
and make a list of the specific conditions that are in place when everything
feels good in your life. Then check that list against your to-do list and your
to-accomplish list. It might surprise you.
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I’m continually inspired by Stuart Brown’s work on play and
Daniel Pink’s book A Whole New Mind.4 If you want to learn more about the
importance of play and rest, read these books.
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I define calm as creating perspective and mindfulness while
managing emotional reactivity. When I think about calm people, I think about
people who can bring perspective to complicated situations and feel their
feelings without reacting to heightened emotions like fear and anger.
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For me, breathing is the best place to start. Just taking a
breath before I respond slows me down and immediately starts spreading calm.
Sometimes I actually think to myself, I’m dying to freak out here! Do I have
enough information to freak out? Will freaking out help? The answer is always
no.
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Stillness is not about focusing on nothingness; it’s about
creating a clearing. It’s opening up an emotionally clutter-free space and
allowing ourselves to feel and think and dream and question.
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I often say that when they start having Twelve Step meetings
for busy-aholics, they’ll need to rent out football stadiums.
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Using our gifts and talents to create meaningful work takes
a tremendous amount of commitment, because in many cases the meaningful work is
not what pays the bills. Some folks have managed to align everything—they use
their gifts and talents to do work that feeds their souls and their families;
however, most people piece it together.
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Every semester I share this quote by theologian Howard
Thurman with my graduate students. It’s always been one of my favorites, but
now that I’ve studied the importance of meaningful work, it’s taken on new significance:
“Don’t ask what the world needs. Ask what makes you come alive, and go do it.
Because what the world needs is people who have come alive.”
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We hustle for our worthiness by slipping on the emotional
and behavioral straitjacket of cool and posturing as the tragically hip and the
terminally “better than.” Being “in control” isn’t always about the desire to
manipulate situations, but often it’s about the need to manage perception. We
want to be able to control what other people think about us so that we can feel
good enough.
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Wholehearted living is about engaging in our lives from a
place of worthiness. It’s about cultivating the courage, compassion, and
connection to wake up in the morning and think, No matter what gets done and
how much is left undone, I am enough. It’s going to bed at night thinking, Yes,
I am imperfect and vulnerable and sometimes afraid, but that doesn’t change the
truth that I am also brave and worthy of love and belonging.
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